Leadership Isn’t About Being Liked — Here’s Why That’s So Hard to Accept

LEADERSHIP · NIV NICOLAS NOWBAKHT

If you’re leading a team and still asking “do they like me?” — you’re optimizing for the wrong outcome.

• Drucker: leadership is defined by results, not by being liked or giving good speeches
• If “Please People” is your inner driver, this isn’t just advice — it’s the exact pattern working against you
• The driver model shows you where your leadership leverage points actually are
• Recognizing your driver also tells you how you handle stress — and what breaks first under pressure

“Effective leadership is not about making speeches or being liked; leadership is defined by results, not attributes.” — Peter Drucker

Most new leaders don’t hear this until it’s already cost them something.

The Trap That Looks Like Good Leadership

Somewhere along the way, a lot of people absorb an unspoken rule: if your team likes you, you’re doing it right. So new leaders soften feedback, avoid hard calls, keep the peace. It feels like leadership. It often isn’t — it’s conflict avoidance wearing a leadership costume.

Picture it concretely: a team member consistently misses deadlines. The “liked” version of you finds a reason to let it slide again. The effective version has the conversation — even though it’s uncomfortable, even though it might cost you a bit of warmth in the room that week.

The Leadership Driver Behind “Please People”

What is the driver model? In Transactional Analysis, the driver model (developed by Taibi Kahler) describes five inner patterns we develop early in life to feel okay: Be Perfect, Please People, Try Hard, Be Strong, Hurry Up. Everyone runs on a mix, usually with one or two dominant — and each one has a predictable blind spot.

If Please People is one of your drivers, Drucker’s quote isn’t just a leadership tip — it’s pointing directly at the pattern steering your decisions. You’re not randomly avoiding hard conversations. You’re running a deeply practiced program that equates being liked with being safe. (If a different driver runs the show for you — Be Perfect, Try Hard, whichever — the same principle applies: the quote is pointing at your specific pattern, not just this one.)

That’s actually useful news, not bad news. Once you know which driver is running the show, you know exactly where your leverage point is: not “try harder to be a tougher leader” — but “notice the moment the Please-People-reflex kicks in, and choose deliberately instead of automatically.”

Your driver also shapes how you handle stress

Drivers don’t just show up in calm moments — they intensify under pressure. A Please-People leader under stress often over-accommodates, overcommits, and avoids the one conversation that would actually reduce the pressure. Knowing your driver means you can spot that spiral early, instead of only recognizing it after burnout.

Popularity and Respect Are Not the Same Currency

You can be well-liked and ineffective. You can be respected and, at times, unpopular. Drucker’s point isn’t “don’t care about people” — it’s that the measure of leadership is what your team actually produces and becomes, not how they feel about you in any given meeting.

The best leaders I’ve worked with aren’t cold. They’re clear. They tell people what’s actually true, set real expectations, and follow through — and over time, that clarity earns something more durable than being liked: trust.

What This Means for You If You’re Leading Right Now

Are you managing for approval, or for outcomes?

That’s not a trick question, and the honest answer is often “a bit of both, more approval than I’d like to admit.” That’s normal — and worth noticing before it quietly shapes every hard decision you avoid.

I’m Niv Nicolas Nowbakht, career and leadership coach based in Berlin and Barcelona. I work with leaders on exactly this: identifying which driver is running the show, and turning that into real leverage for how you lead and how you handle pressure. If this is where you are right now, the free “Futureproof Your Leadership” webinar is a good first step. Save your free spot in the Leadership webinar →